Rose and Thorns. Sean and Becca

I dedicate this post to a collection of poems for my ex fiance, Sean. May God always lit his path through the darkest parts of his past and illuminate his future with such a pure light of FAITH.

I write this words with the kindest, rawest, and honest regards for a man that saved my life and broke my heart. I believe that one day in another life our love will survive the chaos of our heads and past traumas. For now we live in a world of sin that affects all humans, for now I'll let every sunset with the vision of our love dimming. It's been one year since that man and I loved. It's been two years since he's been introduce to the story of my life. And now all I have to reflect on is the memory of his existence, and small interruptions of interactions we can have since he lives in front of my house. I use to curse to the Gods for his continual existence in my life and now I see it as a blessing. That man continues to play an important role in my life as I grow and thrive from the past. He taught me what it's like to live with men, how to save a life, and to be patient. He also showed me that I deserve the world when I give worlds to others. He is now a jumping point for my next relationships. I now have certain standards that I never had before him. I might look for him in other men, but I now know when to respond to RED FLAGS. I now know what amount of pain I can go through in a relationship before I call the curtains down. The type of couple we could have been had an infinite amount of possibilities, but to not dwell in what could have happened I'll share what did arise from a relationship with the man from Socal that LIVES in front of my house.

It started with a handshake, introducing himself as Sean Smith and I responding as Rebecca Diaz.
I had moved in back home from school 3 months before I had met him. I had just finished my second year in college, entering summertime. That is when our love story begins.

In the Summer of 2019
He plucked me out of my garden

Uprooted me from the ground

He Took me for a run

And smelled my fragrance in the sun

He reached out his hand and i followed

We ran through the streets til tomorrow

He cocked his head and i followed

We drove through paradise to paradise

He smiled and I melted

He laughed and I glowed

We sang and We danced

We shopped and We saved

I sang and He fell in love

I giggled and He fell in love

The freckles on your face dance from smiling and laughing

The wrinkles in your skin shined with each joke i cracked

Your hands grooved through my body like the melodies of songs we’d sing

Your muscles kept me safe like the sound of his heart thumping from his chest when my eyes would glisten

The space between your groin and belly button welcomed all my kisses

The freckles on your face reflected such joy when kissed and held

The tattoos on your body danced when we played our favorite song

The lit backwoods moved from mouth to mouth, hand to hand gripped our souls

His bathroom hid all our dance moves
Waking up at 5am to kiss him goodbye to his perilous day in The City
Driving to his work when he forgot his lunch I made him
Waiting by the phone to get the call he was out of work
Waiting by the clock to check out of nannying Lil Martin Boy
Driving home just to be in his presence
Staying all night fueled by the conversations around the lit backwoods
Driving back to school to hurry and do homework
Waking up to do it all over again

Driving from El Sobrante to Stockton to Yosemite

Kicking back in the Cherokee Jeep holding on for dear life

Texting my parents I'm in my dorm, while I cook for strangers and smoke with my boyfriend

Climbing through trees and hoping from rock to rock to the end of a cliff

Taking videos of throwing a backwood from person to person,
using my bralette as a popcorn holder for bae to eat from

Photos of girls posing in yoga stances on the cliff and boys chilllin by the edge

Ending the night under the stars, in bed, warm and cuddled by the man across the street

Ending the trip with a new found love for one another, and new trust for one another,
never realizing he was still talking to his ex.

The spot that remembered our favorite dishes knew that every Friday we would call in our order

Silver noodles with half chicken and half shrimp, with peanut sauce on the side and delicious fried egg rolls

Thai Spice would look forward to Sean and I entering those doors and complimenting each worker at their job because every Friday they made our high asses the best munchies to eat

The take out would go into the backseat of my car like a baby in a car seat, strapped

We'd hit up plugs houses along the way: Sammy, Matt, Nino, Tito, Dispos

We'd pull up to Hercules, Pinole, Rodeo, Saint Mary's College, Cal University, Merced's palace, Grizzly Peak, Crockette, Twin Peaks, Kissing Street, Berkeley, El Sob, Concord, and Richmond, and every spot in between and compete on our rolling techniques and indulge in our fire backwoods.

I showed him my world and slowly he entered, bashful and indecisive

I showed him my world and quietly he entered, hurt and scarred

On Thanksgiving I had just been broken up with Sean.

Which led me to drink at the boys house

I hooked up with his roommate, my friend

Woke up in his bed and my parents found me in the house

They grabbed me and took me to Fresno where I threw up all day and all night long and wanted to end my life in the hospital bed because the man of my dreams left me to do COCAINE with his EX GIRLFRIEND (unbeknownst to me)

In December I started going to intensive therapy

Everyday became so hard to live

Work was impossible to keep up with

He was impossible to keep happy

I was circling the drain until one day I broke from reality.

That day he grabbed me so close and told me he wasn't going anywhere
He took the ring he places around my neck off and told me where I was going I couldn't have it
He told me he promised to be there no matter what
A huge fight occurred before I left, where his closed fist hit my knee
My eyes went black and I tried to fight him on the side of the freeway,
until he picked me up and threw me back into my own car.

But that I was it... I was going to need more help than what I was getting

So he checked me in the hospital. From there I went to Telegraph Care an inpatient hospital where I dared to speak all my deepest darkest secrets and my family separated while I was bed ridden.
I had been soo drugged that I couldn't even remember any day I was there,
I just had journals and artwork to show for it.

Checking out of the hospital I was a completely different person.
Til this day I still am, after seeing what happens to people with a mental disorder
It scarred me for life and I will never forget my first 51/50 hold

Towards the end of the year I missed my period

I went to Disneyland for New Years leaving Sean behind.

When I came back I knew he was no longer the one

If I was going to carry his child I needed to do it alone

But God had other things in mind and I didn't carry to term

*As I work on this my heart feels less heavy... So thank you Chris for inspiring me to sit down and write, like the artist you believe I am*

*This is a working document and I will probably add more in the next post.... So as always TO BE CONTINUED on another pensive night*