5 foot 6 inches

 In the elevator he asked me, “So how tall are you Rebecca?” I replied shyly, remembering I was just informed I grew three fourths of an inch at the doctor’s office, “I am 5 foot three and 3/4th of an inch.” 

“I could swear you’re 5 foot 6! Your personality and aura are definitely taller than 5’3!” He grinned as he led us out the elevator to the boisterous street filled with hungry faces and hands clutched with Nordstorm, Tiffany, Crate & Barrel bags.

His words, on repeat in my head like my favorite Brent Faiyaz song. It lingered in the back of my mind for the rest of the week. I had also remembered when he said you’re only massaging me with one hand and yet it feels like there’s five. These little comments that are even complements wrestle in my head as though they have ill meaning.

The more his words stay in my mind the more I start to understand that my energy, my aura, as he would say my personality is 10 times bigger than most. Maybe not even 10 maybe 100 and maybe not even 100 maybe 1000,000,000,000. As I laid in my bed for the days to come I questioned whether it was a beautiful complement that was given or a new insecurity bubbling in my stomach. Which also begs the question why I saw it as such split different ways. Instead of taking it exactly for what it was in the moment. I tend to do that a lot shift, shift in a way that can be extreme. Where I feel as though my thought process is different with each person I’m with. 

This might be completely normal in the realm of dissociative identity disorder. But to me in my world, it’s confusing and difficult to navigate new emotions and new feelings and it’s easy for me to cycle back to toxic and hurtful ways because I know what that feels like. even though it’s such a terrible feeling with that uncomfortable feeling I know what to do and how to feel about those feelings than healthy new ones, which intern is insane at some parts. Insane in a way that I can also start blocking my blessings with going back to that toxic man and going back to that toxic friend to go back to that toxic work environment in which ever one it is the toxicity the nature of the beast is what I’m so familiar with and to know that and to go back to it is scary for me.

Which is now why I’m challenging myself with my 6 foot three Greek God. Because how many times has God, the ancient ancestors, or the one above has heard me fall in love with the Greek. Greek mythology, mediterranean food, Greece, and the Odyssey. 

So here I go. I deserve everything this man & universe has to offer me. I want the gifts of the world. I want consistency. I deserve the fruits of the world. I deserve healthy. Learning, Growing, Manifesting!

Love,

Becca