Dear Bec,

 5.15.21

If strength could be measured, I wished they used me to measure it. Just like a star or planet in the universe when it is expected for its light to reach us is the determination of its light years in distance from us. I wondering how many more light years I have to go through before people can see me. 


My dad kicked me out. My mom told me to live in my car.

We are now in the first year and 2nd month of our global pandemic. 

Schools are barely starting to open, outdoor dining is making its come up.

Gas is almost $5 in some cities around me. 

And I have had 2 different jobs within 2 months. 

I got fired in a less than a month and then again in 2 days. 

Back to care.com and within 24 I got an offer to start my 3rd job on Monday again 

Infinite blessings

My best friend is graduating college. My other best friend works at a plant nursery. And my bestest friend is tussling the idea of leaving her man to improve the positivity in her life. 

I want to scream half the time I drive, but really the other half I’m crying. 

I’m crying because.

Well because I’m tired. 

Abdulliee is. Gone. 

But my heart and my body aches for him. It’s crazy that I know his actions were so hurtful but I loved him nonetheless. I wish I could tell him about my dad kicking me out. I wish I could tell him I’m hungry. Hungry to be held and accepted. Hungry to be kissed and touched dearly. Starving to be heard and praised. Aching and longing to see his face

Light up mine.

Hearing my name fly out his month is better than sex. Watching him articulate his words is a hobby I had. 

But now he really is a memory I hold too close to home. 


I got kicked out. And I kept walking. 

I will keep walking. 

Thank you. 

Thank you Rebecca , thank you nana,

Thank you ang , thank you ix,

Thank you 

Thank you Bec,

Thank you grandma 

Thank you soul sisters 

For showing me and guiding me. Sean and Abdul 

For protecting. Me and sheltering me. Tio  and Ian 

For clothing me and feeding me. Ix and Ang

For supporting me. Nana and Gill 

Rebecca you will look back in this moment of intense pain and growth, and cry. I bet you will always cry about this. Because all those things you’ve gone through weren’t ever your lowest. This is. Right now. And you are doing amazing honey.

Always and forever 

Me

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